( The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" playing )
♪ We'll be fighting In the streets ♪
♪ With our children At our feet ♪
♪ And the morals that They worship will be gone ♪
♪ And the men Who spurred us on ♪
♪ Sit in judgment Of all wrong ♪
♪ They decide and the shotgun Sings the song ♪
♪ I'll tip my hat To the new constitution ♪
♪ Take a bow For the new revolution ♪
♪ Smile and grin At the change all around ♪
♪ Pick up my guitar and play ♪
♪ Just like yesterday ♪
♪ Then I'll get on my knees And pray ♪
♪ We don't get fooled again ♪
MR. DUNPHY: Hey, Dildo, get that mangy mutt out of here.
( whimpering )
DUNPH: Dildo. That's what my old man called me,
Dildo Dunphy.
TOMMY: Can you believe this fucking town?
DUNPH: This blows.
DRUGS: Dunph, give me another beer.
None left. Just lemonade.
All right.
Hey, let's go to the parking lot.
What for? All guys.
How about the field?
Fuck the field.
Where do the girls go at night, huh?
You know what? We should go to the edge.
Sully stinkfingered Bunny Cote over there.
What? They were doing bongs and shit.
And he stinkfingered her in his car.
With his finger, Sully. How do you know?
His finger stunk. Drugs,
you smelled his finger?
You retard.
DUNPH: That's my brother, Jackie.
He had a freak accident when he was a kid.
You see, we were playing touch football,
and, uh, well, he fell off the roof.
CAVWICH: Everybody's hard on Nixon.
JOEY: Right, well, why not? Guy's a putz.
He didn't do nothing all those other assholes didn't do.
Yeah, he did. He got pinched.
CAVWICH: Please, that was a fucking witch-hunt.
Those two Jewish bastards gave a shit about this country,
they'd have kept their traps shut.
Cavwich, Woodward ain't Jewish, okay?
Those guys are reporters. They're just doing their job.
They're stool pigeons.
You don't accuse the president
of the highest office in the land of stuff
when all you got is some lousy erased tapes.
It isn't enough.
Especially all the guy's trying to do is cover his own ass.
Thank you.
What did this clown ever do for us besides go to China?
CAVWICH: I guarantee... DUNPH: Jackie.
...that 20 years from now, because of Nixon,
that our friends will be right beside us fighting.
DUNPH: Jackie. What's up?
Go in my room and get me my bong.
JACKIE: Which one? The big one.
Dildo, what the hell are you doing out there?
He's getting my jacket.
I didn't want to bug you guys during your game.
What bug? Who are you bugging?
Now drag your pimply ass in here and say hi to the guys.
Show some class, for crissakes.
Dunph, I can't go in there. I'm too fucked up.
CAVWICH: Hey, Dildo!
What are you other dip-shits up to?
Nothing.
CAVWICH: Hey, Mousy.
Hmm?
What's this shit?
That's a beard.
What the fuck does someone your age need a beard for?
You know what they say about guys with beards, aren't you?
Queers. Queers?
Yeah, every one of them.
What do you think they're going for?
They're afraid they look too much like broads.
DUNPH: That's Cavwich.
He's a used-car salesman, claims he's connected.
What about Abraham Lincoln?
Lincoln? Queer as they come.
You got farts in your head.
I'm telling you, it's true.
It ain't me. Look it up in the book.
Here, Dunph, here's your jacket.
( bong clatters )
( all groan )
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck?
What in the world is this contraption?
It's a horn.
MR. DUNPHY: A horn?
Yeah, you know, like a music horn.
Yeah, it's a horn.
Okay, Satchmo, why don't you play us a few notes?
( blows air )
All right, ass-bag. Enough of that nonsense.
Why don't you and those other ass-bags get out of here
and quit bugging us?
DUNPH: See you later.
( boys chattering )
( laughs )
♪ I'd like to know where You got the notion ♪
♪ To rock the boat ♪
♪ Don't rock the boat, baby ♪
♪ Rock the boat ♪
♪ Don't tip the boat over ♪
♪ Rock the boat ♪
♪ Don't rock the boat, baby ♪
♪ Rock the boat ♪
♪ Ever since our voyage Of love began ♪
♪ Your touch has thrilled me Like the rush of the wind ♪
They look like a bunch of fags.
I know.
I'd be a fag too if I could get that kind of pussy.
You just said you'd be a fag.
Yeah. Then I could get that kind of pussy.
No amount of babes in the world is worth being a homo for.
Hey, there's Bunny Cote.
( chattering )
Let's go talk to her.
No, I'm not talking to her. You go talk to her.
Hey, Dunph.
Hi, Bunny.
Want to dance?
Nah. I'm not very good at disco dancing.
So just regular dance. Come on.
♪ Don't rock the boat, baby ♪
♪ Rock the boat ♪
♪ Up to now We sailed through every storm ♪
♪ And I've always had your Tender lips to keep me warm ♪
♪ Oh, I need to have the Strength that flows from you ♪
♪ Don't let me drift away My dear ♪
Cut it out, huh? You look like an asshole.
Sorry.
♪ Our love is like A ship on the ocean ♪
Hey.
♪ Mississippi queen ♪
♪ If you know what I mean ♪
♪ Mississippi queen ♪
So how's Sully?
Write the fucking thing, please? Write the fucking thing.
All gone.
( boys laughing )
Whoa, That fucking packs a punch, man.
( boys chattering and laughing )
Aw, fuck.
Aw, shit.
Oh, fuck me.
Oh, my God.
( thunder crashes )
MR. DUNPHY: A horn, huh?
A music horn.
Fuck.
Damn moron. ( engine turns over )
( dog barking )
A prep school? What's a prep school?
It's to prepare you
for not getting your neck broke by me.
You're just goddamn lucky Cavwich had pull with the judge.
Grass, no license.
You hit a parked cop car.
Don't get me started again, Dildo.
But, Pop, I'm gonna be a senior.
You can't send me away my senior year.
Aw, let me go and get my violin.
One more thing.
Cut that fucking mop on top of your head
or I will cut it for you.
DUNPH: Just can't believe this shit.
Look at my fucking head.
So, where is this place anyway?
Two and a half hours from here in Cornwall, Connecticut.
Least you'll be getting out of this fucking shithole.
You really think the Bucket's a shithole, mousy?
Should put a toilet seat on top of this place.
If it sucks so bad, why don't you move to Providence?
Like that would change anything.
California. When I graduate that's where I'm heading.
California. They got babes like a bastard out there.
MOUSY: It's because they're rich there.
Rich guys marry babes. It's called breeding.
They got babes, they got weed. They got cars that don't rust.
Weed and cars that don't rust? Fucking A, I'm all over that.
You fucking losers go. I'm staying right here.
( tender theme playing )
So, uh...
You think Bunny goes out on dates?
Bunny Cote? Yeah.
Drugs, she fucks everybody in town.
I know. I'm just saying. I'm just saying, you know.
I'll go to the movies by myself.
Hey, Drugs,
if you had to say who was your best friend,
you would say me, right?
No question.
Yeah, if you blow me. Why?
Nah, man. Come on.
I need you to do something for me.
What?
Well, you got to say yes first.
All right, yes. Now what?
All right.
I know it's a pain in the ass,
but you got to help Jackie with the paper route while I'm gone.
Just while I'm gone, Drugs.
Is it the morning paper?
DUNPH: That was the difference between Drugs
and the rest of the guys. He was more reliable.
If he gave you his word,
there was a fifty-fifty chance he'd come through.
Here's 30 frog pelts for you.
Oh, and please don't thank me. It's just a loan.
Don't give me that look, Dildo.
You're one lucky bastard, and you don't know it.
What I wouldn't give for an opportunity like this
when I was a kid, and your first homework assignment
is to write a letter to Cavwich
and thank him for getting you into this place.
And don't forget what the judge said.
You don't graduate, it's one year in Socko.
Heh. Prep school don't sound so bad now, huh, Dildo?
Take it easy, Dunph.
Yeah, you too, Jackie.
MR. DUNPHY: All right. Come on. Let's go.
You're gonna miss the bus.
( Argent's "Hold Your Head Up" playing )
Hey, Dunph. The Jets game.
Don't forget.
Yeah, all right.
MR. DUNPHY: All right. Come on. Come on.
♪ And if it's bad ♪
♪ Don't let it get you down ♪
♪ You can take it ♪
DUNPH: My old man always wondered
if Cavwich really had the connections he said he did.
I guess there was no doubt
after what happened with the judge
and me getting into this place.
Thanks a lot, Cavwich.
♪ Hold your head up, woman ♪
♪ Hold your head high ♪
♪ Hold your head up, woman ♪
♪ Hold your head high ♪
( all chattering )
FUNDERBURK: Mr. Dunphy.
Right this way.
I'm Mr. Funderburk, your dorm master.
These are the rules.
Listen carefully.
No smoking, no drinking, no drugs, no sex,
no cheating, no lying, no gambling, no matches.
No shit?
No swearing.
No showering after dinner.
Be in your room by 10 p.m., lights out at 10:30,
and no locks allowed on the door.
Don't go into town without written permission.
There are many other rules.
Here's your handbook. Study it.
If you get caught breaking any of those rules,
you'll be stung with work hours after class.
( bell tolls )
JACK: Hey.
Fonzie. Where you going?
The assembly.
Like that?
( all chattering )
Thanks, man.
DEAN: Settle down, people.
Settle down. Settle down. Settle down.
Today,
we commence Cornwall Academy's 82nd year of existence.
BOY: Boring.
In the past 10 years, other institutions of our ilk
have chosen to liberalize their curriculum.
While these other institutions
have grown to expect less from their students,
we here at Cornwall expect more.
Now, you new students might not fully understand
exactly what this commitment means.
So I will leave you now
while Mr. Funderburk chooses a returning student
to rise and recite our school fight song.
( scattered applause )
Welcome.
BOY: Funderjerk.
( all clearing throats )
Mr. Irving Waltham.
BOY 1: Jizz!
Would you please rise and sing for us the school fight song?
BOY 2: Go, Jizz!
( scattered laughter )
BOY 3 ( whispering ): He looks like he's gonna piss his pants.
( boys whispering )
♪ As... ♪
♪ We stand tall ♪
♪ At old Cornwall ♪
♪ Our spirits tried and true ♪
♪ Our minds are strong ♪
BOY 4 ( whispering ): "Our spirits tried and true."
♪ Our spirits tried and true ♪
( scattered laughter )
It seems Mr. Waltham has forgotten the words.
No, I...
♪ Our spirits... ♪
Gentlemen, who here thinks
that we should extend to Mr. Waltham
the proper motivation
so that he will never again forget the school fight song?
IRV: No, I know the song! Stop!
Put me down. I know the song!
( boys cheering )
♪ Our minds are strong ♪
♪ Our work days long ♪
♪ Our toils we ere see through ♪
Would you stop that, please?
I'm trying to study.
Yeah, me too.
And this is the first thing I want to learn.
I'd take another peek at it if I was you.
I already told you. I know that song.
I got nervous. I do that.
I get nervous.
What are you studying down there anyway?
Class stuff.
Classes don't start until tomorrow, kid.
You mean you haven't started studying?
Oh, man. You're never gonna catch up.
( alarm buzzes )
10:30. Lights out.
Oh, okay. Give me five more minutes with this thing.
No, I already got three hours tomorrow
for not knowing that stupid song.
DUNPH: Okay, buddy, calm down.
( tender theme playing )
DUNPH: I've never been apart from my brother Jackie
in my whole life, and already I was starting to miss him.
I felt kind of bad
about the way I left things at the bus station.
I knew I wouldn't sleep until I talked to him.
Ow.
Sorry.
What are you doing?
I got to make a phone call.
You can't make a phone call after 10:00.
Lights are out.
That's it, man. ( door closes )
Now you're gonna get stung.
OPERATOR: Will you accept a collect call from Tim?
MR. DUNPHY: Tim Dunphy? Yes.
For crissakes, you just left today.
I gotta talk to Jackie.
OPERATOR: Do you accept the call?
MR. DUNPHY: Come on. It's 11:00. You know I got to work tomorrow.
OPERATOR: I'm going to disconnect you now.
Just tell Jackie that I'll take him...
( line disconnects )
...to the game.
( boys chattering )
I told you you'd get stung.
I hope your phone call was worth it.
Hey, Jizz. Catch.
Ow! Unh.
Hey! Hey!
BOY: That's gonna leave a mark.
IRV: My glasses.
I can't... I can't find my...
( whistles )
We got about 10 minutes till Clusterfuck makes his rounds.
( Lee Michael's "Do You Know What I Mean" playing )
♪ Been 40 days Since I don't know when ♪
♪ I just saw her With my best friend ♪
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪
Dunph, Billy Fu. He's Middle Eastern.
He's a good shit.
Got the best reefer on campus.
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪
( bubbling )
♪ Lord, do you know What I mean? ♪
( inhaling )
( exhales ) ( laughs )
( Dunph coughing )
BILLY: It's a barrel of laughs, eh, Dunph?
♪ Do you know Know what I mean? ♪
All righty, class.
Who can tell me what X equals?
Okay. Mr... Mr. Dunphy.
Mr. Dunphy?
Um...
I think I'm in the wrong class.
In 1933,
who launched the New Deal?
Mr. Dunphy.
Mr. Dunphy?
Who launched the New Deal?
Um...
NASA?
( students laugh )
What we're gonna do here today is I'm gonna go around the room,
and I'd like each of you to name your favorite author.
Hemingway. Salinger.
Faulkner.
Uh, Hamlet.
Jack London.
JACK: So, what are you doing on Sunday afternoon?
Summarizing the works of William Shakespeare.
Ohh. You should have gone with Salinger,
because he only wrote a couple of books.
DUNPH: Whoa, wait a second.
♪ Goddess on a mountaintop ♪
♪ Burning like a silver flame ♪
♪ The summit Of beauty and love ♪
♪ And Venus was her name ♪
Who-- Who's--
What are you, an owl?
Forget it.
( laughs )
JACK: Her name's Jane Weston,
hands down the coolest chick in school.
Forget it.
♪ I'm your fire ♪
♪ At your desire ♪
Oh.
Little help, please?
Yeah.
( scoffs )
Thanks.
DEAN: Mr. Dunphy,
do you have a friend called "Drugs"?
Drugs Delaney?
How many individuals named "Drugs"
could you possibly associate with?
Just one.
Yesterday, we received a, uh, a letter addressed simply
to Cornwall Academy, Cornwall, Connecticut.
So, naturally, we, uh-- We opened it and read it.
And...
You might want to sit down.
It begins, "Greetings, Dunph.
"What's happening?
"I got your letter today.
"Cornhole Academy
"sounds like it really sucks the big one.
"I can't believe they make everyone
"work a lot and not smoke.
"You should tell that piece of shit Funderturd
"to shove it.
"You didn't want to go there in the first place.
"Eat shit, man.
"Today, you should have seen me and Mousy today
at school today."
We got cocked on a pint of blackberry brandy,
ate some THC on the bus.
"We were fucked.
This teacher, Mr. Rivera, goes..."
"What's wrong with you, Delaney?"
I go, "I'm totally fucked, man!"
"Everybody laughed like a bastard."
Oh, man. You should see this song I'm listening to.
"It's called 'Don't Bogart That Joint, My Friend.'
"I think it's by a group called...
( clears throat )
"This is a couple of hours later.
Must have nodded out, man."
I got to go 'cause I probably definitely gonna nod out again.
You want me to send you some...
"...squeef?
"Or you got enough?
"Good luck not getting caught.
Cocked in Rhode Island."
Drugs.
P.S...
Oh, yes, there's a postscript you might be interested in.
"Mousy says he stinkfingered Bunny Cote."
As you might imagine, Mr. Dunphy,
this is -- This is-- This is fairly incriminating.
And, uh, technically,
you have not breached any of Cornwall Academy's rules.
But you can bet your bottom dollar, mister,
we're gonna be keeping an eye on you.
( Wings' "Band on the Run" playing )
♪ Well, the rain exploded With a mighty crash ♪
♪ As we fell into the sun ♪
♪ And the first one said To the second one there ♪
♪ "I hope you're having fun" ♪
♪ Band on the run ♪
Psst! Jackie!
Don't worry, the old man's in church.
Where you been? The game's gonna start pretty soon.
Jackie, I've been thumbing for two and a half hours.
I'd get booted out of that place
if they knew I was doing this.
You're giving me shit?
Sorry.
So how you doin'?
Good.
How's the old man treating old Clapsy here?
Still won't let her in the house.
How's he treating you?
He's good. A little quiet.
Hmm.
You know what else? I think he misses you.
Heh. Really?
Yeah, he talks about you like you're dead or something.
Hmm.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
JACKIE: So does it suck, this school you're going to?
No, it's all right.
Really?
Actually, it sucks. The big one.
And this guy Funderburk hates me like a bastard.
I'm like the dumbest kid there
and I gotta take these retard classes.
( car horn blares ) Come on.
How come they're not stopping?
Probably because of the wheelchair, huh?
Probably? No, Jackie,
it's definitely because of the wheelchair.
Now quit your bitching and let's move.
DUNPH: I never let Jackie feel bad for himself
because I wanted him to fit in.
Nobody wants to be around somebody they feel sorry for,
so I treated him like any other kid brother.
All right. Quit your clowning.
Come on.
How you doing? What's up?
Listen.
I got my crippled kid brother over there,
and he's a big Namath fan.
And I was just wondering
if maybe you could get us onto the field.
Tell you what. I can't get you out on the field,
but I got standing room only up on the second level.
Bring him right through here.
Thank you so much.
You ready? Yeah.
All right, ham it up, okay?
Thank you.
( The Eagles' "Take it Easy" playing )
♪ Well, I'm a-standin' on A corner in Winslow, Arizona ♪
♪ And such a fine sight To see ♪
♪ It's a girl, my lord, In a flatbed Ford ♪
♪ Slowin' down To take a look at me ♪
MR. WESTON: Anytime today would be good, son.
Good lad.
MRS. WESTON: Jack, will you be nice?
♪ I gotta know If your sweet love ♪
JANE: I liked the school.
I just don't know if it's right for me.
The whole way it was presented, you know?
Well, my vote says you can't go wrong with Dartmouth.
Who says I can even get in to Dartmouth?
You get your boards up a little, you'll get in.
What about you?
Tim.
Where are you going next year?
I'm thinking, like, college.
Any particular college?
Yeah, probably.
( chuckles )
DUNPH: I'll be right back.
MR. WESTON: Fill it up.
♪ Well, I'm a-runnin' Down the road ♪
♪ Trying to loosen my load ♪
♪ Got a world of trouble On my mind ♪
♪ Lookin' for a lover ♪
I got an extra one just in case you wanted one.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
Mmm. What is this?
( parents speaking indistinctly )
♪ Don't let the sound Of your own wheels ♪
♪ Make you crazy ♪
♪ Come on, baby ♪
♪ Don't say maybe ♪
♪ I got to know If your sweet love ♪
♪ Is gonna save me ♪
MRS. WESTON: Here we are.
JANE: Thanks for the Coke.
Good luck.
DUNPH: Appreciate the ride. MR. WESTON: No trouble at all.
Nice to meet you, Jane.
You too.
♪ Oh, we got it easy ♪
Billy Fu? What are you doing up here?
Isn't this Home Ec with Perkins?
Yeah.
I'm in this class.
I heard we were making chocolate-chip cookies today.
But, uh,
I'm going to make brownies.
Well, where you been, huh?
Term's half over.
I've been taking it easy, you know?
You see, my father, he donate $5 million to school,
and, of course, they don't see one Yankee dime
until I graduate.
( chuckles )
My father's a very sharp cookie, eh, Dunph?
Very sharp.
My mother thought you were so funny.
She did?
He said he wants to go to college in Arizona
because it's on the water.
( all laugh )
My father thought he was dead serious.
Oh, you got them pretty good.
Oh, yeah, they were cracking up
all the way to the girls' school.
Anyway, I got to get going. See you around, Wheeler.
Bye, Jim.
Bye, Jane.
I don't get it.
You tell me how Arizona is not on the water.
Dunph, that gray border down there,
that's not water. That's Mexico.
Still?
Well, what the fuck was the Alamo for?
Look, Dunph,
I went through the same kind of thing
a couple of summers ago.
There was this girl at camp I liked.
At first, she was really nice to me,
then suddenly, she wouldn't even give me the time of day.
This is her.
DUNPH: Wow.
S-S-She's-- She's something, Irv.
Unfortunately, she knows it.
( upbeat rock theme playing )
Hey. Hey.
Do you always do that?
What?
Uh, wash your pillow.
Yeah, sometimes.
When I'm in the mood.
Toms Brook, Virginia. Wow.
That sounds like a pretty cool place to be from.
Yeah, it is.
It must be beautiful. Oh, yeah.
So, what do people do around here for fun? On the weekend?
There's not much to do.
You can go up in the woods and get high.
That's about it.
( Steely Dan's "Do it Again" playing )
( Jane laughs )
So tell me about Pawtucket, Jim.
What do you want to know, Betty?
Tim.
Oh! Heh. I'm sorry.
( laughs )
Heh. Wow.
This is good weed. Yeah, it's homegrown.
A friend of mine, in Pawtucket,
every day he soaks the weed in bug spray
so when you smoking it, you're also getting insecticide,
which is a pretty good buzz on its own.
Have you smoked insecticide on its own?
Yeah, right? What am I, stupid?
I'm gonna smoke a deadly poison?
( both laughing )
( Badfinger's "No Matter What" playing )
♪ No matter what you are ♪
Dunph!
One, two...
♪ Doesn't matter what you do ♪
Three!
That was very straight. Good job.
♪ No matter what you do ♪
♪ I will always be around ♪
♪ Won't you tell me What you found now ♪
"At your pardon, I will myself..."
( whistling )
DUNPH: Hey.
Dunph.
♪ Be a part of it all ♪
Aah!
♪ Nothing to see ♪
♪ Nothing would be ♪
♪ No matter where you go ♪
( imitating explosions )
What's this?
Read it.
Brown University?
They got one of these in Providence, you know.
There's only one, Dunph. Just read it.
"After reviewing your application for admission,
I am pleased to inform you that you..."
( laughs )
"...have been accepted to the graduating class
of 1979 at Brown University."
Yes.
"Sincerely, Jonathan S. Rogers Jr."
So am I gonna like Providence, Dunph?
( laughs )
Yeah, we're gonna love it.
"We're gonna love it"? Yeah.
Okay.
( sighs )
This is-- This is great.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
FUNDERBURK: Mr. Dunphy.
A word.
Congratulations, Mr. Dunphy.
You've broken another record here at Cornwall.
You've got more hours to work off
than you've got time left in the semester.
BOY 1: I can't be late to practice.
BOY 2: Yo, wait up.
Okay, ladies, on our feet. Chop, chop.
Jenkins and Martin, four more hours each.
How about that?
What, is something funny, gentlemen?
Let's make it five, all right? Five hours each.
I do love the fall.
It gives us so much work to do, doesn't it?
Five hours. Jenkins.
( door closes )
( Electric Light Orchestra's "Showdown" playing )
♪ She cried To the southern wind ♪
♪ About a love That was sure to end ♪
Thanks very much, gentlemen.
Always nice doing business with you.
♪ Headin' for a showdown ♪
Fire! Fire in Funderburk's room!
Someone call the fire department!
♪ Looks like we're ridin' On the same train ♪
♪ Looks as though There'll be more pain ♪
Ow! Ow! God!
♪ There's gonna be a showdown ♪
Fire! Fire! ( alarm ringing )
Look at my hand. Explain how I burnt my hand.
It was hot, Bill. I'm telling you it was hot.
Well, I-- What was I supposed to do?
MAN ( on radio ): Roger. That's a false alarm at Cornwall...
This was not a false alarm.
♪ She came to me like a friend ♪
♪ She blew in On a southern wind ♪
♪ Now my heart is turned To stone again ♪
♪ There's gonna be a showdown ♪
( alarm rings )
IRV: Good night.
DUNPH: You should call her, Irv.
IRV: What do you mean?
DUNPH: I mean you should go see her over the holidays.
Maybe she's changed. Maybe she's nice again.
She hasn't changed.
There was this kid whose cousin went to Cornwall.
He told her.
You know? That they call me Jizz.
So? Big whoop.
A friend of mine from Pawtucket, they call him Dingleberry.
This guy gets more beaver than the Hoover Dam.
You know, when I first came here, I did all right.
I almost ran for class treasurer my freshman year.
Then they asked me to join a secret club.
Only five freshmen they asked, and I was one of them.
( thunder rumbles )
BOY 1: This year, you five are honored to be the chosen ones.
This brotherhood was formed to protect one another,
to aid each other both academically and socially,
to shield each other from embarrassment and humiliation.
Are you willing to come with us into the sacred fold?
ALL: Yes.
Therefore, to bind ourselves together,
we must bear witness to one another's humiliation.
When I blow out this candle,
we'll all drop trou
and commence to jack off till each of us hath come.
This should serve as the glue that binds us together
as right-hand men from this day forward,
November 13th in the year of our Lord 1971.
BOY 1: We shall now begin.
( rustling, zipper clicks )
( boys moaning )
( boys laugh )
( cheers and applause )
( door slams )
ALL ( chanting ): Jizz! Jizz! Jizz! Jizz!
DUNPH: You got tricked. Who gives a fuck?
You flogged the dolphin, that ain't a federal offense.
Around here it is. Bullshit!
You know that 99 percent of all teenage guys beat off?
Really?
Yeah, 99 percent. And something like
4 percent of most girls too.
Everyone on this hall beats off.
Like you mean, even you, Dunph?
Well, no, I don't.
Not personally, I don't, but...
( sighs )
I mean, if you read the research, it's very common.
( soft theme playing )
DUNPH: We didn't have a White Christmas that year,
but it was good to be home anyway.
Even my old man and his friends seemed to be in better spirits
around the holidays.
Unless you're gonna pay for him,
shut the fuck up and let him play his own cards.
Just wake up, will you, please?
It's like playing with fucking Gomer Pyle over here.
He's queer, you know.
Who's queer?
The Gomer Pyle guy, Jim Nabors.
Him and that Rock Hudson, they're queers together.
Did you go to school on the short bus?
Rock Hudson is not queer.
Is too, him and that Nabors.
He could be. He's a good singer, that Nabors.
( chuckles )
Hey, hey, hey.
What, you don't tell your old man what's going on no more?
What are you two knuckleheads doing?
Going out.
And what are you gonna do?
Hang around.
And when are you coming back?
Later.
There. Was that so hard?
Heh. I like to give it to 'em. Bastards.
Isn't he dead, that Gomer Pyle?
I don't think so.
Are you sure? Hoss Cartwright's dead.
Will you shut the fuck up?
Hoss Cartwright's dead?
♪ We get it on Most every night ♪
♪ When that moon gets big And bright ♪
So, Dunph, you getting any up there?
Well, there's this one girl. She's pretty cool.
How's her helmet?
Incredible.
Prettiest girl in the school.
Her toilet?
Perfect.
Big fun bags?
Nah, but nice ones.
Are you porking her?
No.
I don't even care if I bang her.
It don't matter.
I like her.
Come on, what do you mean it don't matter?
I mean... No, I'm just saying,
You can treat her like a guy.
What, you mean, she don't freak out if you bust her balls?
No, not at all. She's a good chick.
Huh. She sounds like a cool mule.
You know, a real classy broad.
Classy broad?
You wouldn't know a classy broad
if she took a dump on your head.
( all laugh )
Ah, I don't know.
I mean, it just don't figure, you know?
Guy like Rock Hudson
he could have any broad in the world he wanted.
Well you know what that is? It's a sickness.
It's a mental disturbance caused by his mother.
It's a sin is what it is, period.
Who gives a shit? So he's gay. Big deal.
Big deal? What's that mean, "big deal"?
Why do you give a fuck anyway?
Doesn't affect you.
I mean, I could see if Raquel Welch was lezzie.
But what do you give a shit about him?
I just do. Why, you don't?
No, I don't.
Hey, well, if that don't bother you,
maybe you're a femme too.
All right, already. Somebody pick a card.
Wait a second. I gotta hear this now.
I mean, we're laying our cards on the thing here, right?
Joey, do you or don't you
take it in the jaw?
( laughs )
Shut the fuck up for fuck's sake!
What? Wait a second!
Guy's never been married. You ever seen him with a broad?
What if I was? Would that change something?
You afraid I'd come on to you all of a sudden,
start playing grab-ass with you?
Just answer the question, okay?
Are you now, or have you ever been,
a gay?
Yeah. Okay, yeah.
( Mr. Dunphy laughs )
He's fucking busting our balls.
He means he's gay like, different.
Right?
CAVWICH? Is that it?
I mean, "gay" is that what you mean?
"Gay," like different?
Or "gay" like:
Oh, I can't help you out there at all.
You're on your own.
Get the fuck out of here!
( all shout )
( door closes )
Anyone else got any confessions?
( upbeat music playing )
She moves pretty well for a big woman.
Not in the fucking house with those things.
How many times do I got to tell you?
( grunts )
That's what you get.
Thanks for the album, Pop.
I've been wanting this.
That there's a double album,
and it's from me and Jackie too.
Or Jackie and me, whatever.
You're the student. Which is it?
Either one,
so long as you're referring to an object.
Thanks, Jackie.
God, she dropped the thing there.
You see that?
DUNPH: It was hard to think about my mother at Christmastime.
But it was even harder not to think about her.
( The Beach Boys' "Little Saint Nick" playing )
♪ Well, way up north Where the air gets cold ♪
♪ There's a tale about Christmas ♪
That you've all been told ♪
♪ And a real famous cat All dressed up in red ♪
♪ And he spends the whole year Working out on his sled ♪
♪ It's the little Saint Nick ♪
♪ Just a little bobsled We call it old Saint Nick ♪
♪ But she'll walk a toboggan With a four-speed stick ♪
♪ She's candy-apple red With a ski for a wheel ♪
♪ And when Santa gives her gas, Man, just watch her peel ♪
♪ It's the little Saint Nick ♪
Having fun, Dildo?
Yeah. Ah. I can't do this tie thing.
I feel like a retard at school
wearing a clip-on. Everyone else, they wear real ties.
I look like a-- Look like a bozo.
Relax. Just relax for a second.
Here. Let me see this here.
Necktie.
Got the wide side, you got the skinny side.
Wide, left. Skinny, right.
Now, count down from the collar.
One, two, three, four.
Skinny side, you draw it down
just below that fourth button, all right?
Now, take the wide side.
You come over once, then under.
Come over twice.
You paying attention here?
Yeah. Ahem.
All right. You throw it over, then you come through here.
That hole, right?
The worm comes through the hole,
then right down into that little fold you made
right there like that. You see that?
You're always keeping it tight, all right?
How old was she then?
She was young. I-- I don't remember.
Now pay attention here.
Yeah.
Keeping it tight, nice and tight.
Now, when you're done,
if you've done your job properly,
you're gonna have this V right here like that.
They call that the vicious V. The broads really love that.
All right? All right.
There you are. It's easy. You give it a shot.
All right.
( Free's "All Right Now" playing )
Jizz!
Would you relax, man?
Worse than my 80-year-old grand crack.
You're gonna jinx us all.
Wheeler.
Don't call him Jizz.
I gotta bolt. You guys be cool.
JANE: I got you a Christmas present.
Springsteen. Asbury Park.
You know, my friend saw him live in a bar once.
Really? Mm-hmm.
And this is great. Thanks a lot.
Sure.
( sighs ) Oh.
Here.
( laughs )
Dunph, it's beautiful.
Double roach clips.
Cool.
Yeah, I got it at the dentist.
♪ All right now ♪
♪ Baby, it's all right now ♪
DRUGS: Greetings, Dunphy.
Did you know that if you stretched out your intestines,
they'd reach the moon?
It's a fact.
It's exactly 10,000 miles from your mouth to your asshole.
I guess that's why shit looks so bad, right?
Only seven more months to California, don't forget.
Oh, yeah, don't worry about Jackie
and the paper route, all right, because everything's good.
Oh, shit! Whoa!
Aah, Jesus!
Whoa!
( crash )
( laughing )
You all right, Jack?
JACKIE: Yeah, I'm all right.
Oh, shit.
♪ All right now ♪
♪ Baby, it's all right now ♪
What's up?
Your room got raided. Fundy got them all.
Wheeler, Irving, Billy Fu, all of them.
Oh, shit!
DUNPH: Hey, Irv, Brackett told me what happened.
I can't believe it. How'd you make out?
Not bad. Twelve hours plus probation.
My parents are probably getting a divorce over it.
Could've been worse.
What about the other guys?
Same.
( whistle blows )
MAN: Hey, Dunphy, let's go!
This sucks, Irv. Really sucks.
What are you doing?
Studying.
In case you hadn't noticed, Funderburk is on the war path.
Besides, you have a test tomorrow.
So?
So you need to study. So put that away.
No, this will help us concentrate.
No, I'm serious.
I always do better at the studying thing when I'm stoned.
It does something to the brain cells, really.
I'm-- I'm not joking around here. It like, it makes--
Dunph, you haven't had better than a D since you've been here.
And that's because there's no good weed around.
It's terrible.
I don't understand you.
You're already into this Brown University.
Why don't you just try and relax and enjoy yourself?
Because it's not about getting in.
It's about doing well.
You know, I busted my butt for four years
to get into that place.
And it's not just so I could say, "I go to Brown."
It's because I want to learn.
I want-- I want to challenge myself.
I like that.
All right.
All right, you win, but if we're gonna do all this studying,
we got to have, like, one final, like, thing,
like, big blowout.
And it's got to be in Pawtucket.
( Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride" plays )
♪ I like to dream ♪
♪ Yes, yes, right between My sound machine ♪
( coughing )
This stuff's kind of harsh, right?
I'm all right.
Here. Take one of these.
What is it?
Vitamin Q.
Relaxes your throat.
♪ Close your eyes, girl ♪
♪ Look inside, girl ♪
( music continues in distance )
So, how come you never talk about your mother?
I don't know.
I guess 'cause she's dead.
Oh! Dunph--
( scoffs ) Don't worry about it.
I was little.
You know, Jackie doesn't even remember her.
But you do?
Well, you know, bits and pieces.
You know, I remember the day she died,
she cooked this big turkey dinner,
you know, with stuffing and mashed potatoes
and cranberry sauce.
( chuckles )
You know, it wasn't even Thanksgiving.
Was she sick?
Yeah.
You know, just sick of...
of everything.
♪ I miss Alabama once again, And I think it's a sin, yes ♪
I don't get it. It don't make sense.
See, there's this guy,
and he's looking back on his life.
Right.
And he sees these two sets of footprints in the sand.
Sort of like he had been walking all along with God.
But then the guy looks,
and he notices that during the tough times,
there's only one set of prints.
So, the guy says to God,
"why did you desert me when I needed you most?"
and God says, "no, dummy,
"when you saw only one set of prints,
that was when I was carrying you."
Ohh, fucking God, man.
He's all right, you know?
( chuckles )
( music plays in distance )
( guitar solo )
Irving, move.
I got next game.
Okay, fine, you got next game.
No, I called next game the last game.
It's my turn.
Kid, just move, you're shit-faced.
( chuckles ) I'm shit-faced?!
Hey, pud, you better move your ass fast
'cause I'm about to throw this fuckin' dart.
Ohh, is that right?
You're gonna throw the fuckin' dart!
Dunph? Dunph, take it out.
Take it out! Take it out!
What the hell happened?
I had next game.
So you got any girlfriends, Jackie?
Oh, yeah. I'm going out with a couple of Playboy bunnies.
You're a good-looking guy. Why couldn't you have a girlfriend?
I don't know.
I guess I could.
But I'm just sort of playing the field right now.
Ew.
Irv, what the fuck?
Funkadelic.
( groans )
You just yorked on me.
He did?
Your friends from Pawtucket seemed really nice.
Yeah. Yeah, they're good guys.
Now, remember, Dunph, we had a deal.
You have to hold up your end of the bargain.
I know. I know.
♪ Down around the corner ♪
♪ Half a mile from here ♪
♪ See them long trains run ♪
♪ And you watch 'em disappear ♪
♪ Without love ♪
♪ Where would you be now? ♪
♪ Without lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve? ♪
♪ You know I saw Miss Lucy ♪
♪ Down along the tracks ♪
Yeah, I could hardly believe it myself, Mr. Dunphy.
Looks like somebody's gonna have a good spring break.
♪ Where would you be Right now ♪
♪ Without lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve? ♪
( laughter )
( shrieking )
♪ Without love ♪
♪ Where would you be now? ♪
♪ Without lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve? ♪
( shrieking )
Don't! Dunphy!
Aah!
( sea gull cries )
♪ Without lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve ♪
( both laugh )
DUNPH: After six glorious days in the sun,
we ran out of Jane's money.
So, I dropped her off in Virginia
and thumbed it back to Pawtucket.
I couldn't wait to tell the guys.
Well, if it ain't beach-blanket bingo.
What are you doin' here?
I ran into that knucklehead, Tommy the Wire.
He told me you were gonna be here. You're late.
Shorty, two more of these.
( billiard balls clack )
So, what's the story?
I went to Florida.
I know you went to Florida. Everyone wants to go to Florida.
You should've told me.
I didn't think you'd let me go.
Fuckin' A right, I wouldn't have let you go.
( grunts )
Is this your first martini?
Yeah...today.
( chuckles )
All right.
I'm gonna put the cards on the table.
You always come first with me.
Anything I ever done was for you and your brother.
You remember that.
All right.
We're puttin' our cards on the table here...
how come you never told me about Mom?
You always think I'm out to screw you.
No, Pop.
I never said that.
Yeah, but you think it.
And you think it's my fault
your blessed mother shot herself.
God knows I tried to help her.
She was a young girl when we got married,
not much older than you are now.
What are you, 18, 19?
Seventeen.
That's a great age to be.
You never seen such a beauty.
Not like these broads you guys run with now
with all the shit on their face.
Your mother.
Oh, boy.
All the time she got depressed, though,
no matter how happy she really was.
Then you come along,
this wriggly, little thing I couldn't even recognize.
I bawled my eyes out the night you were born.
Thought everything would be good.
You want another one?
I'll have a beer.
Shorty, one more for me and a beer for Dildo.
Do me a favor.
Don't call me Dildo in public.
It's a joke.
What's the matter? You think I don't love you no more?
Come over here and give me a hug.
Pop...
What, you're afraid to hug your old man?
No, it's bullshit. What?
I said it's bullshit!
You watch your fuckin' mouth.
Then stop lyin' to me.
I know you were divorcing Mom when she shot herself.
You don't know nothin'!
( siren wails in distance )
Hey...
hey!
Your mother loved you and Jackie.
That's all you got to know.
( voice breaking ) Life isn't a fuckin' fairy tale, buddy,
I got news for you.
It isn't easy being Ozzie when you ain't got a Harriet.
And I loved your mother.
But I couldn't live with her after a while.
She made me nuts, okay? Is that what you want to hear?
It was stupid to get married. We weren't made for each other.
But I loved her at first sight.
And I was an idiot about it.
I wanted her to be something that she couldn't be.
The woman--
The woman was mentally ill.
She was afraid of life.
She wouldn't even leave the house.
For God's sake, she never even learned how to drive a car.
It made me crazy.
Almost seven years together,
you know how many times we went out?
Once, one time. That's it.
And I guess you'll never forgive me
till it happens to you, huh?
Timothy...
well, I hope you never forgive me.
( engine turns over )
( sighs )
( crickets chirping )
( birds singing )
You gonna eat that whole thing?
I'm just pickin'.
You know that was full this morning.
Good stuff.
Supposed to have all-natural preservatives or some shit.
Hmm?
You should try this other kind they got.
Heavenly Hash. Ho ho, marron.
You can't even find it.
I got to bribe the kid down at Norm's to hide some for me.
I'm, uh...
I'm taking off, Pop.
That little girl you're running with?
Yeah, what about her?
You putting the wood to her?
What?
You think I don't know what goes on?
Let me tell you something.
It's just as much the guy's responsibility
as it is the girl's.
Don't go getting your little friend there in trouble.
I know.
One more thing.
Makin' sex is like chinese dinner.
it ain't over until you both get your cookies, so...
remember I said that.
All right.
How 'bout a ride, huh?
Take care, Pop.
Yeah. Be good.
Bottoms up, Tonto.
There you go.
There's the six and the two.
If they don't land on the same side of the board,
you roll again.
Oh, no. You move six and then you move two.
That is the rule. It's bullshit.
Shh, Jesus Christ, they're gonna hear up at the girls' school.
Jizz, shut up.
Don't call me that.
What, Jizz?
It's your fucking name.
Hey, come on, come on. Roll again.
What's my name?
It's Irving...
Jizz.
Are you fucking crazy?
( all laughing )
All right, Irv.
Fuck you too, Wheeler.
All right, all right, all right. All right, fellas.
I'm gonna make a phone call.
You want some?
Come on, you crazy American, you're making everything wet.
JANE: Dunph! Dunph!
Hey! There you are!
Yeah, where have you been?
I've been at the fort for over an hour.
I'm sorry.
I got caught up with these guys, you know?
( chuckles )
So, come on. Let's go.
Why don't you come up here?
Yeah, right. Just get your butt down here.
Come on, Jane Weston.
We'll just have a drink, and then get out of here.
( sighs )
( Irving laughs ) There you go.
♪ Doo doo doo ♪
♪ Doo doo doo-doo ♪
♪ Run, run, run ♪
♪ Doo doo doo-doo ♪
♪ Run, run, run ♪
♪ You better ride on, baby ♪
♪ You were born outside Of the-- ♪
( music stops )
I think you're in the wrong building, young lady.
Out...now.
( chuckles )
It would appear we have a major situation,
wouldn't you say, gentlemen?
Uh...
Billy, I was just comin' by to see if you guys were studying.
Well, I would advise you to study somewhere else,
Mr. Wheeler.
Yes, sir.
Well, you've left me no choice.
If I don't turn you in, I'd be doing you a disservice.
At some point later in life,
you'll be faced with a similar situation.
And next time, hopefully, you'll make the right decision.
See, there are no second chances in life.
That's what you're learning here today.
You control your own destiny.
You're the one who made the bed.
You're the one who's got to sleep in it.
You're the one who made the boneheaded--
Oh, will you shut the fuck up?
I beg your pardon?
You heard me.
Ah, you've done it now, mister.
Well, you were already gonna boot us.
What are you gonna do now? Eat us?
Okay, Dunphy, let's go.
Dunph, cool off, man.
Dunph... Take it easy, Dunph.
Who do you think you are, you insubordinate little twit?
Listen, Fundy, save the stuff.
I know you can't boot us.
Oh? Please. Illuminate me.
I know about Billy Fu.
I know that his father has committed $5 million
to this school,
all of which will be received after Billy Fu graduates.
Now, you probably figure you'll let him slide
and rat the rest of us out.
But if you do that, I'll rat him out.
I won't be blackmailed, Mr. Dunphy.
Fine.
Then we'll take a walk down to Dean Mort's right now.
You tell your side of the story, I'll tell mine.
Fair enough.
I'll just show him the grass.
Then he can call the cops.
It's not like you were 5 miles up in the woods.
You idiots were doing it right here under my nose.
Now...
somebody's gonna pay the price.
Okay, fine.
There's only one person you want to screw here anyway, right?
The rest of 'em get hours.
Thank you.
Dunph...
I got nothin'.
That's-- That's what we got.
I mean, you know, probation and a bunch of hours.
Oh, man, we all walk.
( sighs )
Oh, good Christ.
Jane, I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'll go to the D.C.
I'll tell him the truth, that you weren't even--
Dunph, I was caught red-handed
in the boys' dormitory with booze and pot.
It's over.
I feel so bad, you know.
They spent so much money, and now I can't get in anywhere.
Forget Brown University.
Of course you will. You got the grades.
Even if you got to start at, like, a junior college.
( scoffs ) You don't get it, Dunph.
I'm sorry.
( Mr. Weston clears throat )
Jane...
I got to go.
It's not all your fault. I didn't have to listen to you.
Goodbye.
Janie...
( engine turns over )
( vehicle departs )
♪ Ahhhhh ♪
♪ Ain't nothin' I can say ♪
♪ Nothin' I can do ♪
♪ I feel so bad ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I feel so blue ♪
♪ Hmm ♪
( laughs )
♪ I got to make it right ♪
♪ For everyone concerned ♪
( shrieks )
♪ Even if it's me ♪
♪ If it means it's me What's gettin' burned ♪
( sea gull cries )
♪ 'Cause I could never Make you unhappy ♪
♪ No, I couldn't do that, Girl ♪
Mr. Dunphy?
Mr. Dunphy!
DUNPH: Yeah?
Hey!
Last night, there was a car accident,
and your-- Your friend Drugs Delaney...
I'm very sorry.
Oh, man.
( Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Free Bird" plays )
♪ If I leave here tomorrow ♪
♪ Would you still Remember me? ♪
♪ For I must be traveling On now ♪
♪ 'Cause there's too many Places I've got to see ♪
I want to say something about Drugs.
Drugs was a good shit.
Wire, you got anything to say?
That fucking guy could party, man.
When everybody took one, he took two.
Nobody could take that away from him.
Decenz, you've got anything to say?
Nah.
Tommy said it all.
What the fuck?
♪ ...bird you cannot change ♪
♪ Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, whoa, oh ♪
♪ And the bird You cannot change ♪
I wanted to be alone,
but being alone made me think about Drugsie--
Crazy bastard.
I wondered, if there was a heaven and hell,
which one he'd go to.
Eh, I hate to even say it,
but I couldn't see drugs up there with all those saints.
Who knows? Maybe he'll get lucky.
Maybe after you die, there's just nothin'.
Huh.
Will you throw your fucking card?
Oh, it's my turn again?
Yeah, it's a rotation thing, Einstein. Come on.
You're holding trump again, you cockfucker.
So now it's my fault?
( laughter )
Before going back to Cornwall,
there was something I knew I had to take care of.
( telephone rings )
WOMAN: Brown University. Dean Rogers' office.
Could I ask you to hold just one moment, please, sir? Thank you.
May I help you?
I need to speak to Mr. Jonathan S. Rogers Jr.
Do you have an appointment?
No, but...
you don't understand. I really need to talk to him.
You really need to have an appointment.
But I don't have one.
Would you like to make one?
Please? This is very important.
It could mean the difference between this girl's whole life.
Dean Rogers' schedule is entirely filled today.
You need an appointment to see him.
I'm sorry.
Thank you for holding, sir.
What day did you want to come in?
The 18th should be fine.
( classical music plays )
I know I don't have an appointment,
but you have to give me a chance.
It's like life or death. Jane Weston...
the whole thing, it wasn't her fault.
I'm the one. It's-- It's all me.
It's not fair. You have to believe me.
I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
Cornwall Academy. Mr. Funderburk.
Please, sir, just let me in,
and I'll-- I'll explain everything.
Please?
One minute. Come on in.
( classical music continues )
It was all just this big mistake, and...
Good Lord.
...and this Jane Weston,
she's, like, the smartest girl in the whole school.
You can't--
( panting ) Sir, I know you're busy and everything
'cause the lady out there told me,
but I really appreciate this.
Yes, I actually meant come in through the door.
You'd better take a seat.
Yes, Mr. Dunphy, Jane Weston was accepted,
but due to the facts in Mr. Funderburk's letter,
we reversed our decision.
Those weren't the facts.
I know I'm probably not gonna say this right,
but the whole college thing, to me--
I mean, I'm probably not even gonna go to college.
But this girl's whole life is gonna be ruined.
Getting into this Brown University thing,
it means, like, everything to her.
I can see you're concerned about this young lady's future.
That's very commendable.
But don't you think that people should take responsibility
for their actions?
Yes, sir, they should. And that's why I'm here.
They were my actions. It was my fault.
Someone else is getting blamed for something I did,
and it's just not right.
That's very noble, Mr. Dunphy.
But chivalry's a tough sell to the review board.
( sighs )
Dean Rogers...
is there one time in your life
when you made a mistake and you wish you could take it back,
'cause if you could, it would change everything?
Has that ever happened to you?
And if it has,
maybe you could get the review board to review that.
( indistinct conversations )
This is it, boys. It's almost over.
BOY: Hey, Irving.
( cheering, whistling )
Mental floss.
BOY: You need help, man.
So, Fu, you got into Princeton. What a surprise.
Crane and Keller got into Ithaca.
No way.
Did you heard about Wheeler?
He got into Yale.
Yale?
How the hell did he get in there?
Same way anyone does.
Get a great recommendation from Funderburk.
Fundy's a big Yalie.
He's got an in with the admissions board.
What about Calvert? Did he get in anywhere?
Florida. University of Miami.
Ouch.
DUNPH: I heard you got into Yale.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's pretty unbelievable, huh?
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah.
Hey, what the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck is that?
Lowlife piece of shit.
Whoa. D-man...
w-where's this coming from?
You got Jane booted.
What are you talking about?
You ratted us out so Fundy would give you a recommendation.
That's bull. He gave a lot of guys good recommendations.
He busted you winter term.
In my room, he busted you.
Why would he give you a good one?
He gave it to me before he busted me.
He would have canceled it--
Called Yale and told them what a stoner you were.
Maybe he forgot.
Don't, Dunph.
You little punk. You fucked us all, man.
Fuck, man, this is totally uncool.
You don't have any fucking proof.
Oh, proof? ( laughs )
Proof ain't gonna matter
when your head's cracked open on the sidewalk down there.
Dunphy. Dunphy, take it easy.
Take it easy, man. Dunph.
Unh!
( breathing heavily )
What's the point?
Your life?
It's gonna suck anyway.
( Jane whistles )
( whistles )
Dunph!
( whistles )
Huh.
Hey. Hey.
How'd you get here?
I took my parents' car.
They let you?
Come on down.
Don't move.
Hi.
( exhales sharply )
J-Jane, I...
I-I'm so sorry about everything.
You-- You got back in.
I brought you a present.
Hm?
No.
What? What's the matter?
Nothing.
It's just...
I want to remember this moment.
I-- I don't want it to be hazy 'cause of this.
I want to savor it.
You know, let it really sink in.
So it'll always be there.
Okay, I got it.
You can torch it now.
We stayed there all night and it was really beautiful.
We made plans to see each other over the summer.
Around dawn Jane nodded off, but I couldn't sleep.
I was afraid that if I did, I'd never feel that good again.
DEAN: Paul Patrick Baker.
Patrick Michael Carey.
Christian Robert Catt.
Gavin Patrick Curren.
Congratulations.
Steven Edward Delaney.
Congratulations.
Timothy Michael Dunphy.
Rocky Wayne Fuller.
Jonathan Beecher Glad...
Hey, can you hand me my luggage?
Peter Edward McNaught...
Bryan Stewart.
( "Pomp and Circumstance" plays in distance )
( car horn honks )
Hey, Dunph.
( car horn honks )
DUNPH: Hey.
What are you guys doing here?
What the hell you think we're doing here?
You're graduating from high school, ain't ya?
Well, yeah, yeah, I guess. I-it's just no big deal.
What "no big deal"?
I suppose you're gonna tell me
that this is no big deal, too, huh?
What's this?
You got in.
W-what do you mean?
( chuckles ) Don't play dumb with me.
Rhode Island Junior College. You got accepted.
Oh, yeah, uh...
Well, actually... there is no "accepted."
You just have to sign up, Pop.
Well, you filled out the forms.
You showed a little initiation there.
You're gonna be the first Dunphy to go to college.
I'm proud of you.
Shake my hand like a man there.
What are you, a fucking flounder? There you go.
Y-you know, Pop, maybe...
if I do real good here,
I could get into, like, a senior college.
What's that?
Well, you know, like-- Well, like a regular college,
where people sleep over and shit.
Oh.
Dunph, if you had done good here,
you could have gotten into a regular college.
Shut up, you little hard-on.
You're just jealous because you're not gonna be
the first Dunphy to go to college.
No, but I can still be the first to graduate.
( laughs )
You little ball buster.
All right, you two ass-bags, let's get the hell out of here.
Shorty's got a pitcher of beers waiting for us.
So, Dildo, what ever happened to that girlfriend of yours?
She's going to Brown University next year.
Brown? They got one of those in Providence, you know.
There's only one, Pop.
( laughing ) You hot shit.
How do you think she's gonna like riding around Providence
in this shit box?
JACKIE: She's gonna be Mrs. Dildo.
BOTH: Shut up, you little hard-on.
( Badfinger's "No Matter What" plays )
♪ No matter what you are ♪
♪ I will always be with you ♪
♪ Doesn't matter what you do, Girl ♪
♪ Ooh, girl, with you ♪
♪ No matter what you do ♪
♪ I will always be around ♪
♪ Won't you tell me What you found, girl? ♪
♪ Ooh, girl, won't you? ♪
♪ Knock down The old grey wall ♪
♪ Be a part of it all ♪
♪ Nothing to say ♪
♪ Nothing to see ♪
♪ Nothing to do ♪
♪ If you would give me all ♪
♪ As I would give it to you ♪
♪ Nothing would be ♪
♪ No matter where you go ♪
♪ There will always be A place ♪
♪ Can't you see it In my face, girl ♪
♪ Ooh, girl, won't you? ♪
♪ Knock down The old grey wall ♪
♪ Be a part of it all ♪
♪ Nothing to say ♪
♪ Nothing to see ♪
♪ Nothing to do ♪
♪ If you would give me all ♪
♪ As I would give it to you ♪
♪ Nothing would be ♪
♪ No matter what you are ♪
♪ I will always be with you ♪
♪ Doesn't matter what you do, Girl ♪
♪ Ooh, girl, with you ♪
♪ Ooh, girl, you girl, Want you ♪